I didn't grow up around music. My parents are Deaf and it just wasn't something we were introduced to early on. In fact, I did't start listening to music until I was 14 years old and I picked it up under peer pressure. I was on the high school basketball team (let's be honest, I warmed the bench!) and all the girls had a walkman. So I begged for one. Had no clue what I wanted to listen to or what to do with it but I got one. I would watch my teammates to see how they held it, what stations they tuned into, how they put their head phones on, and even 'complained' about stations when they went static. All the while, panicking inside.
Music has ALWAYS terrified me. I could see the way it moved through people, the happiness it transpired as people danced, and the way it could grab someone and change their every being in a split second. Music had power over me. When people danced around me, I tensed up. When people sang their favorite song, I tensed up. When people wanted me to dance at parties or weddings, I'd shy away but die inside because I wanted to so bad. Music had power over me I could not understand but I wanted so bad for the music to take me over as I saw it in others as they freely lost themselves in the moment.
I've always felt if I give in and let go to whatever this power was, I'd instantaneously grow wings and feel free. The same way I feel when I am on a solo road trip.
As an adult and over the years, I would sign up for one-on-one dance lessons, panic and never go. Or if I was at weddings, I'd have to have a few drinks in me to let go of this fear. I've even showed up to group dance lessons, freaked out and left.
Two weeks ago, I went to a friends karaoke party. Of course I tried to get out of it but I went. I was afraid I'd tense up and leave. However, I was shocked at how I reacted. The room was small and everyone was singing at the top of their lungs and dancing. I joined in, forgetting music had power over me and had the time of my life.
Last night at the age of 42, I signed up for Zumba class and before I went, I gave myself permission to just be. I found my comfort spot in the back corner to where no one could see me, even though the room was full of mirrors (ha), gave myself a pep talk, and let go. I could not keep up with the instructor and I was OK with it- however, I kept my body moving. Walking home from the gym, I could feel my wings growing and I couldn't help but jump for joy realizing that by giving myself permission to be, I gave myself permission to let go. I am still not sure of what I am letting go of but I do know, I have signed up for more classes. I want my wings to continue to grow.
I am so PROUD of myself for being able to attend two music events, not tense up and really be in the moment.